Dr. Mengele Is Alive And Well In Ohio

Yes, that is bad sarcasm, but I truly feel like I had an appointment with Dr. Mengele yesterday.

It's no secret that I have back problems.  I fixed my lower back problem (I thought) back in 2002 with surgery.  Then, my car accident in 2008 messed up my mid back.  I did everything the medical community threw at me.  I did therapy, I did a spinal block, I did exercises, I even did acupuncture.  For whatever reason, I wasn't a surgical candidate so I was left with living with it.  I am in pain 24/7.  Whatever.  I live with it.

Then, some time over the winter, both of my feet went numb.  I went to my doctor and he prescribed some anti-inflammatory meds and said if it didn't go away, I might need to go for an EMG. The drugs did not help at all and in fact, my feet are still numb and now I have constant pain down my right leg.  I'm not even going to talk about my right arm and hand going numb or the shooting, burning pains I get down my leg when I try to lower my head.  I'm just not going to talk about it.

But, I couldn't deny any longer that something was wrong and should be looked at.  I went back to  the doctor so we could schedule an EMG and nerve conduction test, whatever that was.  He said I needed four extremities done since I had the numbness in my legs and in my arm.  The insurance company will automatically approve two extremities, but for four I had to get prior approval I was told.

I spent two weeks going back and forth with the insurance company and my doctor's office and canceling and rescheduling an appointment since this wasn't settled, to finally be told that I don't need prior approval.  Fine.  Whatever.

Yesterday was the day.  I had no special instructions for my appointment and was told I would not need a ride home.  So I put my big girl panties on and thought I would just go have this done before work and then head to work.  Um, I should have had someone there with me.

I got there and I was told that they would NOT do all four extremities since that would be "too much on me".  Uh oh.  That doesn't sound good.

By the way, here is the Wikipedia link for an EMG.  In case you don't want to read all that, here is a cut portion of that article.

Electromyography (EMG) is a technique for evaluating and recording the electrical activity produced by skeletal muscles.^[1] EMG is performed using an instrument called an electromyograph, to produce a record called an electromyogram. An electromyograph detects the electrical potential generated by muscle cells^[2] when these cells are electrically or neurologically activated. The signals can be analyzed to detect medical abnormalities, activation level, recruitment order or to analyze the biomechanics of human or animal movement.

An even better quote from the article is:

Some patients can find the procedure somewhat painful, whereas others experience only a small amount of discomfort when the needle is inserted. The muscle or muscles being tested may be slightly sore for a day or two after the procedure.

Yeah, this patient found this to be extremely painful.

I really didn't know what to expect.  With my jeans, socks and shoes off, and a gown on, I laid on a flat wooden table.  If you have back problems, you know that alone is not an easy thing to do.  Laying on my back, I feel him taping something to different parts of my feet.  He'd tape a few leads (I think) to my foot, then he'd use this instrument that would make me feel like an electric shock that would shoot down into my foot where the leads were.  He'd move the leads, and do the same thing again.

I couldn't see the instrument he was using, so I'm not sure if that was inserting needles into me to send the electricity into me or if it was just like a small taser that shot the jolts into me.  What ever it was, it hurt like hell!  What did the Dr. Mengele wanna-be say to me?  "Don't worry, you'll get used to it."  Really.

I thought I was holding up very well.  He kept asking me if I was ok and what the hell are you going to say?  I kept telling him I was ok, just let's get this over with!  I was doing ok until he couldn't find one of the nerves in my left foot.  I swear, if he zapped me with that f-ing thing one more time I was going to kick him.  He said I needed to tell him when I felt that in my foot.  After about 30 times, he finally found it.  Ok, I didn't do so good during that part.

He finally called the girl in to come and hold my hand.  What, you never seen a grown woman cry before?  I have a feeling he's seen that a LOT.

I told the girl I didn't need my hand held and to please just get ON with this.  Finally, he put the torture device down and I took a deep breath.  I thought good, I made it through.  That's when this idiot tells me that NOW the hard part starts.  Honest to Pete, it took everything in me not to run.  But, in for a penny, in for a pound, let's get this over with.

Man, he wasn't kidding.  NOW he took the big needles and went at me.  Up until now, all of the testing was done below the knee.  Now he was digging into my thighs.  He gave me a count down for the first needle jab and that was it.  Three, two, one JAB.  Once it was in he had to dig around while telling me how to move my leg which I'm guessing was to move the muscle the way he wanted it.  I had to push my knee down onto the table, or lift my leg, or press it against his hand.   He did this to both thighs with me laying on my back, my front, and on my side. Finally, he tells me one more needle and we're done.  By now I was laying on my side and he says the last needle goes into my back.  Are you kidding me?  That's when he finally notices the scar on my back from the surgery.  He said to me "oh, I see you've had surgery.  Well, then I won't touch that."  Gee, thanks.

He tells me now that this is why they only do two extremities at a time as that's all people can take.  I told him baloney.  Keep going and let's get my arms done because I am NOT coming back.  But, he refused to go on.  I am keeping my word on this one.  I will NOT going back for another round.

People, this is 2011!  Is THIS the best that modern medicine has to offer?  I don't think I'm a candy ass when it comes to pain.  Like I said, I live with it 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year.  I think I can take more than most people.  This test absolutely brought me to my knees.  I was ready to tell him anything he wanted.  You want my PIN number?  You got it.  Bank account numbers, here ya go.  The title to my car?  Where do I sign?

Finally, it was over.  The greatest insult was before he left the room, I sat up on the table.  That's when I saw all the blood on the table.  Blood.  A lot of it.  WTF.  He saw me looking at it, he grabbed a couple of 4x4s, wet them down, and handed them to me.  He told me I needed to clean myself up a little since I was still bleeding.  You have to be kidding me.

So, he walked out, I cleaned myself up, and was putting my jeans on when the girl came back in the room.  She tried to tell me how she knew how I felt, and how terrible it must be to be in pain to begin with and have to endure this test.  I know I'm not usually shy but it was the Dr. Mengele clone that I should have been bitching at, not her.  This was absolutely BARBARIC.  Again, 2011.  You'd think we would have painless solutions to our problems!  I can't wait until I get the bill for this. Something tells me I'm going to have to pay dearly to be abused like this.

I don't have the results from the doctor yet but at this point, I am calling UNCLE.  I give up.  After the accident, I endured the most painful spinal block (I have had three others before this one so I know what they SHOULD feel like) for nothing.  And now this?  I'm done.

Ask me how I'm doing.  I'm going to tell you I'm cured.  It's a miracle!  After everything I've been through with my back, I am NOT going to submit to another procedure, another test.  I can't do it any more.  I will continue to take my Aleve by the handful and keep up with the working, cooking, cleaning, shopping, shoveling and whatever else life is going to throw at me.

See?  I'm fine.  I'm cured.  I'm done.