Friday, May 10, 2013

I'm Cranky, but I'm Here

Yes I am still alive.

I am honestly having more trouble right now dealing with things than I should be having.  It just seems like it's all piling up on me now and I am bending from the pressure, ready to break. 

I feel like an idiot that I am falling apart over here over what is going on.  People suffer through and live with MUCH worse than I am going through.  I think my coping mechanism is broken maybe because I am just not coping with everything.

Penelope dying stopped my heart.  While I love all of my cats, she is the one that loved me back.  I know that sounds stupid, even as I'm typing it.  But I just feel so lonely now without her.  My heart still stops when I look at her bed and see she's not in it.  Honestly, I am one big baby over here.

My shoulder is still killing me.  In case  you forgot, I have frozen shoulder.  That is the STUPIDEST thing I have ever heard of and I thought my family doctor was blowing smoke up my ass when he told me that was my problem.  I fired him and I went to THREE different orthopedic surgeons over this shoulder.  C'mon people, medical science can transplant a human HEART from one person to another but they can't do anything about frozen shoulder.  This is just ridiculous to me.

Just as ridiculous, is the treatment plan that differs from doctor to doctor.  I have joined a support group for people with frozen shoulders which has been a TREMENDOUS help.  They don't take the pain away, but it's nice knowing I'm not nuts.  Outside of this support group, most people seem to look at me like I'm crazy since no one (or very few people) have ever heard of this before.  Of the 500 or so people in this group, the common factor is that surgery and physical therapy does not help.  This ailment will run its own course, no matter what you do, in anywhere from three months to over three YEARS.  Not all doctors understand how painful this ailment is.  Some people are on heavy narcotics.  All of MY doctors told me to go home and take a Tylenol.  Life isn't fair.

The frozen shoulder group is a wonderful support system for sure.  We revel in others accomplishments, like one woman celebrating being able to put her own bra on for the first time.  I still can't put my own bra on.  And we cheer on those who are not as far along as others are, like the woman who was crying that she could no longer put her hair in a pony tail.  I can do it, but it hurts like hell to do it.  Frozen shoulders touches EVERY part of my life.  No daily routine is routine any longer.  I can't shave under one of my armpits, deodorant is hit and miss if I can do it or not.  I don't do drive up banking any longer.  I had to have Jennifer rearrange my refrigerator to bring the things I use all the time to the front.  If something gets pushed back into the refrigerator, it might as well be in Timbuktu since I can't reach it.  Brushing my teeth hurts, opening a door hurts, washing my hair still makes me cry, freakin' breathing hurts.

Sleep is a thing of the past.  I doze, I don't sleep.  If I'm lucky, I will get a solid hour of sleep before the pain wakes me up again.  I'm trying not to bitch, I'm just sayin'.  This is what my life has become.

Lack of sleep and constant pain can make a person CRANKY.  So, if you know me and I have bitten your head off for just saying hello, I am sorry.  I am in my first year of frozen shoulder with no end in sight.  Like I said, this can last more than three years to run its course.  And I am armed with a bottle of Tylenol!  Yeah, life sucks some times.

No sleep, constant pain, my Penelope died, I have dead and dying kittens outside (you can read the update on that on my cats page above) and for shits and giggles, throw in a few hot flashes.  Mike thinks I need to get my gun out of my house for every one's safety.  HA!  I say we continue to live dangerously!

Some days I hold up better than others.  Lately, not so much.  I told Mike I needed a few days off of work and he agreed.  I have been on vacation yesterday and today, trying to put myself back together!  That's a big job to do in four days!! 

I explained to Ron and Phil and I was on VACATION.  While physically I am here in the house, my head is not here.  I told them I'm not cooking, not taking care of anything this weekend but ME.  

Day one of vacation was Thursday.  I got up and went for groceries!  Ok, that wasn't a smart move, but Thursday is my grocery day and actually it was much easier to do it early in the day instead of fighting the traffic and people after work to do it.  Besides, I got groceries out of the way, then came home, made myself lunch and then I even took a NAP!  I pretty much goofed off the rest of the day.

Today was day two of vacation.  I did a little better this time.  First I went to the library and grabbed a book and then went to the beach to read for awhile.  Any day at the beach is better than a day at work!

It's been raining like heck most of the afternoon and evening, so I timed that right getting some sun late this morning.  Good times.

Then I went shopping for ME.  I had a few issues at one store, but then went to another and hit the mother lode.  I bought myself new jammies and some tops for work.  AND, since I was a good girl, I even bought myself some BLING!!  I love watches and my watch has to be 15 years old.  But I wear it every day and I love it!  I got me some new bling here, on SALE for $13!!!  Yeah, I'm a cheap date, bling or no bling!

Aaah, today was looking up.

Then, I finally moved Penelope to the urn I bought for her.  I had her cremated and I wanted something nice to put her ashes in.  I think I found that in this urn.  She sure did conquer my heart and left a lifetime of memories for me in the two years, two weeks and one day I had the privilege to be her human caretaker.

So now I've had two days of vacation and I have the weekend.  Nothing got cured, nothing got settled, no one came back to life.  Maybe by actually stopping and concentrating on just ME for a few days, I can at least keep putting one foot in front of the other and making it look like I'm still plugged in here.