"Now Just Relax . . . "

I swear these are the worst words in the world to hear. Well, in the right circumstance, they are the worst words to hear. Imagine my scenario - laying flat on my back, feet up in stirrups, doc is bringing the stool in close while adjusting the spot light in what is not my most flattering side. "Now Just Relax . . . " Are you freakin' kidding me???

Yes, today was THE day. The day of the year that most women hate. As a side note, when picking out someone who is going to climb up into your hoo haw up to their elbows, pick a man doctor. I never thought I was a sexist but trust me. Men doctors are much more gentle in this area. Women have been there, done that. They want to you suck it up and get it over with. The only thing a man has to liken the experience to is a prostate exam. With that in mind, they tend to be a LOT more gentle in the nether regions. But, that's not what this blog is about today. That is just a small public service announcement.

That done, let me tell you about my day.

As stated, today was my yearly exam. Not only am I poked, prodded, humiliated and humbled, we have now reached a new level.

Part of the appointment is spent talking about where I am and where I need to be. As a woman over 40 (yikes!) I am told to watch my weight, watch my salt intake, exercise, eat right. That's all the normal stuff. Also in the normal column is the yearly blood work prescription and well as my appointment to get my boobs slammed between two glass tables. Now in the "you gotta be freakin' kidding me" column we now have:

Testing For Colon Cancer.

No joke.

She's serious.

She's crazy, but she's serious.

I received a packet of my very own to take home with me. This packet will enable me to test myself. Get this. I have a card and some poop sticks. Read that again, I am not lying here.

Upon experiencing a bowel movement, I am supposed to turn around and admire it. After that, I take one of the poop sticks and take a little piece of poop and wipe it on the card. Then, pick another piece of poop, take another little piece of it and wipe that on another place on the card. I am supposed to do this for three consecutive bowel movements. Oh the horrors.

First of all, does anyone take three consecutive dumps at home? Am I supposed to take my poop card to work with me? How does one sneak a poop card and poop stick into the ladies' room? And then....what if....could it happen? Can you imagine??

Me: "um, excuse me! I dropped my poop stick and it rolled into your stall! Would you please roll it back?"

Oh, I think not.

To make it worse, once my poop card is filled up with the six samples, I am supposed to send it via US Mail to the doctor's office! For what? So they can admire it?

Mail it. In the mail. Ew. Isn't this against the law? If not, it should be. Where is homeland security when I need it?

I need to take another hot bath.